Anorexia
by Hikari-and-Yami
Summary: I hesitate, thinking of other ways to silence the dull roar in my stomach. But nothing comes to mind. I poke the box, pensively. One more cracker, I guess. - Blindshipping - Nervosa Series: Part 1
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Part of my Nervosa Disorder Series. Obscurity in characters was done purposely - only for Prologue. Enjoy.

* * *

_Prologue_

* * *

_It's been one month and twelve days since my last real meal._

_I only know this because I have been tracking my calorie intake ever since. _

_And as the weeks go by, the portions I consume get smaller and smaller. _

_Today, for breakfast, I had a piece of toast with fat-free butter (105 calories), a few baby carrots (10 calories), a small cup of mixed nuts (90 calories), and half a cup of orange juice (60 calories). _

_I skipped lunch all together, because I still felt bloated from breakfast. _

_Then for dinner, I had a few saltine crackers (26 calories), a bowl of soup (120 calories), and a red apple (80 calories)._

_The only thing is I was still hungry. _

_I should have known better than to go all those hours in-between not eating. _

_If I would have had an orange earlier with my usual side of green veggies, then I wouldn't be hungry right now. _

_So, here I am, at 6:49P.M., staring at the box in front of me._

_I hesitate, thinking of other ways to silence the dull roar in my stomach. _

_But nothing comes to mind. _

_I poke the box, pensively. _

_One more cracker, I guess. _

_~O~ _

"_How have you been? I barely got to see you all summer."_

"_I've been okay," I tell him. _

_He pushes his paper-white hair out of his eyes. "How have you been dealing with…?"_

"_I'm good…just coping…"_

"_Yeah." He sits back in his seat and scans me up and down. "You look like you lost some weight."_

"_Haven't had much of an appetite lately." My eyes home in on the tree outside the classroom window. _

_It's waving to me. _

_I almost want to wave back. _

"_That's to be expected," I hear him say. "Well, if you need anything, you better let me know. Bottling it up won't do you any good."_

_Did you know that every time you have to fake a smile, it subconsciously makes you even more depressed? _

"_I know," I say, smiling at him anyways._

_~O~_

_My fingers play with the ring of keys in my hand, as I stand outside my house. _

_To tell the truth, I don't want to go in. _

_In fact, moving out of this town sounds nice. _

_I push the key into the upper lock and open the door. _

_Yeah…it sounds really nice. _

_There's no sound when I walk inside._

_Just silence. _

_No T.V. left on. _

_No radio playing. _

_No vacuuming coming from upstairs. _

_No dishes clinging together in the sink. _

_Nothing. _

_Just dead silence._

_He's not here, I remind myself. _

_Walking into the living room, I slowly lower myself onto the couch. _

_ Then, I pull the blanket from the floor onto me. _

_I curl up and fold in on myself, staring at the black screen of the T.V._

_First day of classes. _

_Over. _

_What a relief. _


	2. Chapter 2

_It's raining. _

_Pouring, actually. _

_For once, the weatherman was right. _

_I pull my hood forward to cover my bangs and glance down at my watch. _

_I've been here for a while now. _

_I'm already late for school._

_But I don't really care all that much. _

_Because I needed this._

_I needed to visit him today. _

_So he knows that I still love him. _

_That I still think about him everyday. _

_That I'm still picking up the pieces of my heart that he shattered only a month ago. _

_I gaze up at the dark sky and breathe in deeply. _

_Then, I look back at the gravestone in front of me. _

"_I have to go now, Grandpa," I say aloud. "__But I'll be back real soon."_

_I can hear my voice shaking with the words I speak. _

_And, as I turn around to leave the cemetery, I notice how wet my cheeks are. _

_It's rain, I tell myself._

_It's just rain. _

_~O~_

"_You're not eating."_

_I stare up into the brown eyes peering expectantly into mine. "Huh?"_

"_You're not eating," he repeats, pointing to my plate with his fork. _

_I look down at my plate; still full of carrots, peas, and green beans. _

"_Oh…yeah, I guess I'm not."_

_I hear my friend sigh at this._

_Then, I hear the sound of his silverware being set down on the lunch table. _

_I move the vegetables around my plate, waiting for him to speak. _

_"Yuugi…"_

_Here we go again. _

_And he wonders why I avoided him the last month of summer. _

_"I'm really concerned about you," he says. "I mean, I know you're still grieving and all, but you look awful."_

"_Oh?" I snap. "And how should I look, Ryou?" _

"_I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that," he blurts out, realizing his poor choice of words. "I just want you to be okay, that's all."_

"_Well, I am," I assure him. "I'm just having a really hard time adjusting…like you said yesterday – it's to be expected."_

"_Yeah," he murmurs. "I did say that. I'm sorry for bringing it up in the first place."_

_At the apology, I offer him a small upturn of my lips. "It's fine."_

_It's not fine. _

_Nothing is fine. _

_But I don't care. _

_After that, we both fall silent. _

_Because while Ryou's trying to think of ways to fix me, I'm counting the calories on my plate. _

_~O~_

_Atem Sennen is in my Art class._

_I can't help but be slightly surprised by this. _

_I hadn't pegged him for the type. _

_After all, this was the same guy who had won Jr. Prom King last year. _

_The same one who got an early acceptance into Oxford. _

_Who had everything he could ever need – friends, family, and the opportunity to be with any girl he wished._

_I feel a little sting in my chest at that sentiment. _

_Probably because I have been infatuated with him for the past two years. _

_I had even talked to my Grandpa about Atem. _

_About how it felt to love someone I knew I would never have a chance of being with. _

_If not for the sole fact that he was straight, for the realization that I could never measure up to someone so incredible. _

_I take in a shaky breath at the memory of my Grandpa and I talking about it over this summer – it was actually one of the last conversations we had._

_I bite my lip at the thought and feel my stomach begin to fold in on itself. _

_Suddenly, I'm not in the mood to eat dinner tonight. _

_I'm brought out of my musings by the sound of the teacher's voice, telling us to start. _

_So I clear my head, close my hand around my brush, and begin. _

_It doesn't take too long for me to feel the weight of Atem's stare and, out__ of the corner of my eye, I can see him watching my paint strokes. _

_Then, after a minute, he picks up his own brush and dips it in red paint. _

_I smile sadly at that. _

_Red's my favorite color. _


	3. Chapter 3

_People die. _

_It's a part of life. _

_We know it's inevitable. _

_But that doesn't make it fair. _

_Knowing the truth… _

_It is not the same..._

_As accepting it. _

_So, this is me not accepting it – this silent rebellion is my stand on his unjustifiable death._

_Five hundred._

_Four hundred._

_Three hundred._

_Two hundred._

_One hundred._

_I wonder how many calories I'll consume this meal. _

_~O~_

_At the beginning of last period, Mr. Lsak – Art teacher extraordinaire – informs us that a project is on the horizon._

_And to prepare us for said project, he wants us to take the period to paint our very own Hell._

_So, for the first few minutes of class, I just sit back in my chair and observe my fellow classmates. _

_As anyone would imagine, all the paintings in my vision look the same. _

_There's fire and lava and darkness and demons. _

_Everything that we, as simple-minded humans, imagine hell to look like._

_But then I look to my side, to where Atem is sitting, and glance at his work._

_It might just be the intensity of his brush strokes, but somehow his is different from the others. _

_It's more…_

_Real. _

"_That's nice," I tell him._

"_Huh?" he says, a little confused. _

_I gesture towards his easel. _

_"I said, it's nice. The shading and everything."_

"_Oh," he mouths. " Thanks."_

"_Welcome."_

_And that's that._

_I pick up my brush and begin my own creation, expecting nothing else to be said. _

_But then Atem surprises me._

"_Yours is nice, too," he says._

_I feel a slight pull on the corner of my lips. _

_I hadn't even really started yet. _

"_Thanks," I say softly, looking back at him._

_I gaze back at his piece of art._

"_Who's that?" I hear myself ask him. _

_His eyes follow my finger until they're staring at the person he's drawn in the center of his Hell, entrapped by flames. _

_"Oh, you know," he says, lifting his shoulders a little. "A sinner."_

_~O~_

_You know, I think to myself…_

_I don't have to go in. _

_I could just…run. _

'_Yeah?' the other side of my brain mocks. 'And where would you run to?'_

'_I don't know…somewhere. Anywhere but here.'_

_But even as I think this, I know in my heart that 'anywhere' was out of reach. _

_So, I unlock the front door and walk inside my house. _

_I want to just collapse on the couch, but I don't. _

_Instead, I make my way to the kitchen and flick on the first light I see. _

_The cabinets creak in the silence of the room as I pull out two plates and two glasses. _

_I absent-mindedly set up the table for dinner, listening to the microwave as it makes its dull sound._

_The soup I threw in doesn't take long, and soon I find myself sitting at the end of the table, steam rising to my face from my bowl. _

_I glance up at the other side of the table, to where the empty plate is. _

_To the place I always had set aside for him at the table. _

_Then I look back down at my food and think back to earlier that day. _

_To the very end of art class, when I was finishing up my drawing. _

_Atem had leaned over and asked 'What's that?'_

'_This?' I had said to him. 'This is my house.'_


	4. Chapter 4

_Sometimes, when my mind wanders, it wanders to him._

_Most of the time, I'll banish these thoughts immediately, and the feelings they threaten my sanity with. _

_But, on occasion, I'll let them stay – if only for a minute. _

_In that time, I'll let myself imagine that Atem is next to me. _

_And I'll let the warmth of his skin brush up against my palms. _

_I'll let the trembles in his voice dance around my head and down the sides of my face. _

_And I'll inhale his dark scent and fill my lungs with it. _

_And, for a fleeting moment, I won't feel that throbbing loneliness within the confines of my chest._

_Just for a moment though._

_And then it all comes flooding back. _

_Which is why I barely ever let these thoughts linger for long. _

_Because I just can't cope with the crushing weight of it all when I remember that he's not really there. _

_No one is. _

_~0~_

_I have noticed how distant Atem has been lately._

_Just in general, really, but more so with his friends. _

_When I see him in the halls with them, even in the instances when's he standing right next to them, he's so far away. _

_When he talks, even when he's looking right at them, he's still somehow looking right past them. _

_His smile does not feel authentic. _

_And his eyes seem …lost. _

_I wonder, briefly, if anyone else sees him. _

_Like, actually 'sees' him._

_The way that I do. _

"_Now draw your heaven." Mr. Liask voice pulls at me slightly, trying to take me away from my thoughts. _

_But it's the soft and cold chuckle coming from my left that pulls me out of my own head and back into the classroom. _

_I look to the source of the sound and am surprised to find my eyes on Atem. _

_He also seems a bit surprised by the sound that escaped him and straightens his back in his chair, as a way of brushing off his response. _

_I shift my attention back to my canvas and sigh. _

_Hell was so easy. _

_But heaven…I don't even know what that begins to look like. _

_As I ponder on this, I feel a gaze gently caressing my skin. _

_My eyes move back to Atem, just in time to see him look back at his canvas. _

_Out of curiosity, I lean back in my chair to peer at it. _

_It's purple. With a bit of blue. _

_It's soft, and it makes me smile a bit._

_Heaven…I start to imagine what colors I would use. _

_Atem's is so light. _

_But mine? I think it'd be dark._

_It would be a place that would make me feel strong and powerful and in control. _

_I shift my gaze from his canvas back to Atem – and I can 'see' him. _

_He's fighting his own demons. _

_And I can just see how much of a beating he is taking. _

_But I can also see how strong he is. _

_How hard he is still fighting._

_This time, it's him that can sense my stare. _

_He turns his eyes to meet mine. _

_I can see the fire in his eyes – but it's flickering. _

_Wavering - in and out. _

_Like it wants to go out so bad. _

_But he's fighting to keep it alive._

_Red, I think, as I search for that strength inside his eyes. _

_Yes. Red. _

_I break his eye contact to dip my brush in the red paint, and I slide it across my canvas. _

_And, out of the corner of my eyes, I can see the curves that make up his mouth pull, ever so slightly._


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I am still catching myself up with everything - I know many of you who read now probably aren't the same people who read my stories four years ago. Due to this, I will provide helpful information regarding this story that is perhaps unknown. '**Anorexia**' is part 1 of the **'Nervosa'** Series, as told from Yuugi's perspective. It's sister story, '**Bulimia**', is also part 1 of the series, except it is told from Yami's POV. I will typically update them back and forth, so that readers can get an understanding of the same chapter, but from different POVs.

* * *

_I am almost done with my painting, with only a few final touches to go. _

_Just in time, too, as the school bell shrieks, signaling the end of class. _

_I barely register the other students, as they collect themselves and glide out of the classroom. _

"_It's wonderful," I hear his voice whisper from behind me. _

_I turn my head and gaze at Atem from underneath my bangs. He's referring to my painting. "Thanks," is all I say._

_He's observing me now, with intent. Confused, I open my mouth to question him, but stop when I see his arm raise, his hand open and inching slowly towards my face. _

_I hold my breath and wait. I might have even leaned forward in hopes that he was reaching for me._

"_Don't."_

_I am caught off guard by his demand, unsure if he's talking to me or to himself. _

_Instead of responding, I stay perfectly still and watch as his hand lowers back down to his side, in dismay._

"_I'm sorry," he says suddenly. And then he's gone. _

_But I don't watch him go. _

_Instead, I stare at the spot where he left. _

_I don't even realize that I'm crying._

_~0~_

"_I'm not hungry," I tell him._

"_I don't care," Ryou says, walking back and forth in my small kitchen. His face is red with resolve. "I'm not playing this game anymore, Yuugi. I'm not going to watch you fade away like this."_

_I bristle at this. "I'm just not fucking hungry," I say, glaring at the plate of food he's placed in front of me. _

"_Yuugi, have you looked in a mirror lately?" He stops in his pacing and gestures with an open hand at me. "You're nothing but bones. And you try to hide it under your sweatshirts and your baggy pants, but I am not an idiot."_

_There's a startling shatter next to me, as sharp fragments of fine china and bits of food disperse around my feet _

_The chair behind me screeches against the tiled floor, as I shoot to my feet. _

"_Why are you doing this?" I'm practically screaming at him now._

"_Because I don't want you to die!"_

_I falter, suddenly unsteady on my feet._

_I blink at him a few times, trying to focus._

_But he's blurry, and I can't make out the lines that make up his face. _

_Soft clouds of black sneak into the edges of my vision, and I feel my knees weaken, heavy under the weight of my body. _

_I begin to say something to him, but before I can finish, I hit the floor. _

_I can't feel the pain of the impact, and I manage to pull my now heavy eyelids open, just in time to see Ryou race towards me and collapse next to me on the ground._

_And then, the lights flicker off and everything is dark. _


	6. Chapter 6

This is the final chapter of _Anorexia_. If you haven't read it yet, the final chapter of _Bulimia_ has also been posted. Be on the look out for the second installment of this series, **_Habits_**, to be posted shortly. It will take place five years into the future. Thanks for the reviews as always.

* * *

"_Yuugi."_

_The voice is quiet. _

_So quiet, that I can't help but respond in a whisper, too. _

"_Yes, Ryou?"_

"_It's not your fault."_

_I stay quiet, watching the ceiling of my hospital room, counting the dots._

_The IV is itchy in my arm, but I try to ignore it in favor of keeping my place. _

_Twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six. _

"_It's not," he repeats, louder this time. _

_Thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three. _

"_I know," I say, hoping to appease him. _

_But my friend is smart; he knows better. _

"_Look at me." _

_Forty-seven, forty-eight, fou—_

"_Yuugi!"_

_I snap my now narrowed eyes to him, and I can feel angry tears hot on my face. _

"_What?!"_

_Ryou does not falter. "I know you miss him."_

_I can't stop the strangled sob that escapes me or the way my body shakes violently as I try to reign my emotions in._

_ I struggle to suck down a few quick breaths and turn over on my side to try to hide my plight from him._

"_He was the only family I had left," I say to him, but even more to myself. The tears are like rivers on my face. "I'm all alone now."_

_I feel the bed dip in behind me and instinctively flinch at the hand that comes to rest on my back. _

"_You're not alone, Yuugi. You have me. I'm here for you."_

_I want to offer him a smile, but I can't stop the cries that are vibrating my entire frame and echoing off these thin walls._

_But you're not enough, I think, wallowing in the selfishness of the thought._

_The truth of it makes me cry harder._

_~0~_

_A few days of IV fluids, supervised meals, and convincing the doctor that I would take better care of my health led to my discharge and subsequent attendance at school on Monday morning. _

_I knew how I must have looked - worn out and sunken in._

_But it didn't really concern me until I walked into Art class._

_It was when I sat at my station that I felt the gnawing desire to fold in on myself. _

_To disappear._

_Because I wasn't sure of the person Atem would see._

_To be honest, I don't even know who I see when I look in a mirror anymore._

_When the bell rings, I notice with half-relief, half-disappointment that Atem's station is empty, his canvas blank._

_Absent, I think._

_I guess it's a good thing he won't see me like this today._

_~0~_

_It's raining again._

_I am grateful for this, as the rain is the only thing that provides me any comfort anymore._

_It's been two weeks now since __Atem has been missing._

_They don't suspect foul play. _

_They think he ran away. _

_They think Atem, who just last year, was this bright, charismatic, Oxford-bound young man, just ran away._

_The logic of it all makes it seem not probable, but I know it in my heart to be true._

_I shift in my seated position near my grandfather's tombstone and lift my face up towards the sky. _

_I let the rain wash over me._

_ I've come to the conclusion that his demons must have cornered him. _

_ He must have felt like he could no longer fight them, only run from them._

_And his absence has not gone unnoticed._

_You can feel it in the air. _

_You can feel it in the hallways, in the classrooms._

_You can feel it in the whispers, the tears, and the disbelief. _

_Jou, one of his closest friends, who is typically loud and borderline hypomanic is now barely engage-able._

_And me? Well, I am practically overflowing with guilt._

_Because I knew. _

_Maybe not that he'd run, but I knew that he was waging a war inside of him._

_And I knew that he was losing._

_But I couldn't lend him a hand, because I had no part left of myself to give. _

_And now, he's somewhere, anywhere, all alone. _

_I should've said something. _

_But silence was just so familiar to me. _

_And, without him, it's just so much louder._

_~0~_

_It wasn't supposed to be this way. _

_My grandfather was supposed to be here._

_Atem was supposed to be here. _

_I'm not supposed to be alone. _

_I can't be. _

_I need them. _

_I need them, so that I can fight the urge. _

_So that I can keep the monster inside of me at bay. _

_I trace my forearm with my eyes, memorizing the old white scars covering my skin._

_I breathe in deep, hold it, and then slide the razor blade across my wrist, leaving a line of cold blood in its wake. _

_As it bubbles over and leaks down my arm, I run over the same open wound with the blade again. _

_And again. _

_And again._

_I truly have the worst habits._


End file.
